Bipolar Disorder is one of the most complicated mental illnesses to understand. We simply think that Bipolar is just experiencing extreme moods, but there is so much more to it that no one really knows except the ones who are fighting the battle.
How is this article going to make people understand?
Well, I am about to take you inside a Bipolar mind.
First and foremost, I have a family history of mental illness. My mom struggles with severe depression and anxiety and I have a theory that my grandmother struggled with Bipolar. This makes me a shoo-in for history.
The first time I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder was when I was 17 years old after I got caught cutting myself while contemplating suicide.
I thought my dramatics was just apart of being a typical teenager, but taking a look back — it wasn’t.
I felt things very deeply.
Some people struggled with feeling emotions while I struggled with controlling my emotions.
A Bipolar mind would find creative ways to destroy a relationship without realizing it. Part of me thinks that we subconsciously try to destroy our relationships because we are ashamed of who we are.
We know that we are hard to live with. I mean the media labels us as “crazy”. They portray us as monsters that can be a danger to others when in reality we are only a danger to ourselves.
Sometimes I would find myself screaming and punching my big stuff bear to get out all of the negative energy that comes with the illness. If I were to describe the feeling, I would describe it as a demon trying to leave my body. The amount of anxiety and anger I would feel is absolutely unbearable.
Now that I pretty much just explained how we are emotional humans, let talk about my experience with the two “moods” that are described as Bipolar Disorder: Depression & Mania.
Being manic is described as having an abnormally large amount of energy. People with Bipolar ( including me) love being manic because we feel a high of euphoria. This is the time when we overbook our schedules, stay up all night, feel like we are on top of the world — that no one can bring us down because we are just so happy.
The way to describe the high was as if we are “on something”. I would become extremely happy and excited for literally no reason. The “literally no reason” part would be the scary part. When I would feel the high coming, I would have no choice, but to mask it with sarcasm so I don’t come off as crazy.
Here Comes The Depression…After mania comes depression and this is what I struggle with the most. Bipolar depression is not the same as clinical depression in my personal opinion. When the depression part of Bipolar kicks in, I shut down completely.
Going from Mania to Depression is like enjoying the happiness and sunshine that comes with the beach to just get hit by a huge wave making it difficult to get back on your feet.
The depression can be severe to the point that I physically can not get out of bed to function in my daily life. My brain would go into complete lockdown — refusing to do basic things such as showering and cooking food. I would avoid social interaction because my brain would be too exhausted to hold a conversation.
This has affected my career, finances, and physical health. It is a horrible way to live.
The scary part is that I don’t know which mood is going to hit me when I wake up in the morning, but I still somehow have to navigate through life.
Here is where I write about my personal mental health challenges